Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
He gave them the choice of 3 wishes or a pawful of treasure each. Mole wished for worms (which the burrow was full of anyway), Otter wished for fish, (which he scoffed right away), then they blew their last wish on - a James Blunt album! What a pair of puddings!
I'll have to hurl it overboard when they're asleep - I'm not taking rubbish like that home with me.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
It seems like a long time since I had a holiday, so I hitched a ride on a ferry to see my mate Patrick Seamus Neddy O'Donkey over in the Emerald Isle. I was just settling down in a nice new nest in the top bunk with this week's Beano, when I heard a lot of giggling down below. That flippin' Mole and his otter friend had somehow followed me on to the ferry!
I just hope they keep quiet, because if the crew find us we'll be washing dishes and swabbing the decks for the rest of the way...
Friday, November 17, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I'm completely traumatised after last night. Mole came trundling up with a big grin on his face and a bag of chestnuts in his paws. "Us can 'ave a midnoight feast of roasted chestnuts," he said, "a squirrel gave me these." (Now I come to think of it, that's a very unlikely tale. But to continue...) So we gathered a few twigs together, set them alight, popped the chestnuts in the middle, and waited...
BANG! CRACK! BOOM! Bits of high velocity chestnut flew everywhere! One knocked the owl next door out of his tree! It was every pigeon for himself! Mole, of course, just burrowed down into the ground and disappeared, leaving me cowering behind the holly bush till the explosions petered out.
I won't put my nuts in the fire again in a hurry, you can be sure of that. Just wait till I get hold of that pesky Mole...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
And what has happened while I've been away? The food fascists have been on the rampage, threatening to shut down all the chippys and kebab shops!
I reckon Jammie Oliver and Gillian McTweet haven't thought things through, though. None of this healthy eating lark really applies to pigeons because:
1. We're designed to be walking dustbins anyway.
2. Pigeon survival is at stake. It stands to reason; a small pigeon will make an easy mouthful for a moggy. But an economy-sized pigeon (modest cough) will be too difficult for any passing Tiddles to fit in their maw. AND can squash the nasty moggy flat as a pancake if it gives any trouble.
3. If I went on a diet, I wouldn't be the biggest pigeon in the world any more and some pathetic wannabe would take my place.
So I have a message for Jammie Oliver: TALK TO THE WING, 'COZ THIS PIGEON AIN'T LISTENING!
Friday, September 29, 2006
Coo! The Mole has found 2 mysterious doorways. Could one of them lead us back to the back garden and my lovely nest? I'm really getting homesick. And what if the local chippy has closed down without me to keep it going?
But - what if I get stuck - in the tunnel?
Looks like we've got three options:
A: Run away screaming and try and hitch a lift off someone.
B: The Mole and me could go down the same tunnel.
C: We could split up and pick a tunnel each. But if Mole disappears I will be all on my own!
And choosing a tunnel will cause a row anyway as the Mole is such an argumentative blighter. (No, Oi ain't!) Yes, you are. (Oi'm not!) Yes you...
We could be stuck here for quite some time ...
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Mole has found a new friend - either a Puffin called Papay or a Papay called Puffin, I'm not sure which. The new critter nicked all the anchovies off my emergency pizza I'd tucked into the bottom of the picnic basket. We'll have to think about going home soon if we don't find some fresh provisions, though. Exploring the galaxy is one thing, but running out of chocolate hobnobs is one step too far for this pigeon!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
As I jumped into the scary light, it was really cool with lots of whirling stars and whooshy Tardis noises. Now I'm in a strange new world with lots of weird aliens! I wonder which star system I'm in. Maybe I'm on a planet circling the brightest star of the Great Pigeon constellation! Luckily there's a breathable Earth-type atmosphere, because I didn't have room to fit my spacesuit in the picnic basket - too many Scotch eggs.
Speaking of picnic baskets, there's a funny muffled noise coming from inside it...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Some pundits think it is unwise for pigeons and moles to tamper with nature, and I'm beginning to think they're right. Since my ill-fated experiment with the cloaking device (or invisibility machine for non sci-fi nuts) the garden hasn't been its usual self. Strange temporal effects have occurred, like me thinking it was Thursday all day yesterday. And the garden shed and my new perch, the bird table, are looking decidedly rickety. (Before you all comment and say it doesn't look sturdy enough to take the weight of the biggest pigeon in the world, I'd just like to point out that the bird table is in fact 40ft high x 10ftx 20 ft. So there.)
Anyway, after watching Dr Who this week with all the cool Dalek and Cybermen battles, this weird shiny light appeared. It must be the gateway to another dimension!
So I'm off to explore this brave new world. I'm hoping it will end up somewhere brilliant like Fort Knox, the Bank of England or maybe even the Tower of London with all those sparkly crown jewels! At the very least it'll help me with my cunning plan to take over the world! Be seeing ya!
Monday, July 03, 2006
Well, the noise from all the nearby houses was unbelievable. Shrieks, groans, whistles, shouting and strange foreign imprecations. Then just when it finally went quiet at last, everyone started firing up barbecues in their back gardens and made me peckish all over again.
If it wasn't for the fact it's early July, I would have thought there was a big footie match on.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Reports that the Mole put a spanner in the works of Fat Tony's invisibility machine are completely unfounded, according to this month's Helloooo! magazine. "It were a screwdriver, silly. Oi couldn't foind a spanner. That there machine had to go - that rotten pigeon kept squishing moi worm collection- and Oi couldn't bash 'im over the head while he wuz invisible. Hurr hurr! It wuz real funny when 'ee turned into a budgie, moind. Oi laughed my socks off." Fat Tony was unavailable for comment yesterday, but a spokespigeon assured our reporter that it won't be long before he comes up with a new plan for taking over the world. Especially once he's overcome his new fondness for millet.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Phew! The effects of the invisibility field wore off and I'm back to my usual handsome self (and size.) I've taken the cloaking device down to the council tip - things were getting way too scary. I put some fresh batteries in and tried it out on my climbing frame perch, and it didn't just become invisible - it vanished altogether! Thank goodness I didn't try it on myself again - I could have ended up down a black hole or summat. I don't know why my invention went so horribly wrong. Did I make a mistake with the wiring? Or could it be Sabotage?
I'm going to have to find a new perch (sob.)
... And another thing. The Mole has been insufferably smug after appearing on Bill Oddie's Springwatch last night. Getting too big for his boots, if you ask me.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Bleurgh... I still feel very green. Not a well pigeon at all. I did a last heist on a bird seed factory last night, but only came away with peanuts. I turned off the invisibility field this morning, hoping it would make me feel better, (you can see the framework of the machine under my feet,) but the effects are taking a long time to wear off.
My hench-pigeons aren't much help. They keep giggling behind my back. I wonder why?
Monday, May 29, 2006
The bank was next on the list - time to get some lovely lolly. But just as I was busy emptying the safe the AA batteries for my cloaking device died and there I was, smack in the middle of the bank- on all the security cameras - in full view! I quickly put some more batteries in and made a speedy getaway, but it gave me an awful fright. I pecked the cameras on my way out, so hopefully you won't see me on Crimewatch this week.
Trouble is, I keep running out of batteries. And I don't feel very well - a bit green, in fact. I hope the invisibility field doesn't have any side-effects...
Sunday, May 21, 2006
5 - 4- 3- 2 - 1 - Go!
Um... I expected something a bit more spectacular than that. Is my cloaking device working? I can't see my feet, but as my tootsies have been out of view for a few years now, that's hardly a reliable indicator.
So the big question is... have I achieved Invisibility?
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Bloggers who visit Derek's forum http://derekthesheep.proboards51.com/ regularly will know that I was inspired by recent scientific research http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4968338.stm to begin building my own cloaking device or invisibility machine! It's nearly finished now! I just need a couple more flange sprockets and some AA batteries - then my latest plan for taking over the world can begin!
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Well, after a hard week's sleuthing without finding any more clues to the identity of the Phantom Fishnapper, I decided to come back to the nest and have a fish finger butty to cheer me up. And look who I caught red-handed! (Or red-flippered, I should say.) A swift peck on the bottom soon marked his card!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
The baby otter's Mum turned up this morning, thank goodness! My nest is beginning to really stink of smelly fish. You would've thought she would be grateful I'd looked after him, but no - she gave me a clip round the ear for feeding him on chip butties. That's the last time I do a good deed! Now my otter-sitting days are over, I can concentrate full-time on tracking down the Phantom Fish-napper...
Friday, April 28, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
Still hot on the trail of the phantom fishnapper. I flew down to the llama colony by the M6 toll road (current population 33 1/2) to see what the word on the streets is. Lynnette Llama here reckoned it was some guy in a monkey suit who stole the otter's grub! The plot thickens...
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I was just settling down to watch 'The Apprentice' last night (I want to pick up some tips for controlling my henchpigeons.) I'd made a nice big stack of fish finger butties (with peas.) While I was looking round for the telly remote, this blighter sneaked up inside my nest and scoffed the lot! I got cross and gave him a peck, when he started blubbing, saying he'd lost his Mummy. He chased after some guy in a black-and-white suit who pinched HIS fish supper, and couldn't find his way home again. I got us a chippy tea to cheer us both up, but blimey - he's a really messy eater. I'm still picking bits of fish out from behind my ears (difficult when you're a pigeon.) How can I maintain my gangster image when I end up babysitting a constant stream of stray animals?
Now I have to turn detective. Where does Ollie Otter live? And who nicked his fish supper?
Thursday, April 13, 2006
I said someone munching a packet of Rolos all by herself has no right to adopt the high moral ground. So there!
She'll be putting me on a diet next...
Friday, April 07, 2006
Saturday, April 01, 2006
This got me thinking. How come flippin’ moggies get nine lives dished out to them? Of course, there must be a nice cat here and there like Paws, but the sad fact is that the vast majority of cats were obviously serial killers in a previous life.
Funny thing, reincarnation. It must have caused no end of confusion back in the Jurassic era. Just imagine, one minute you’re a T. Rex, or even a spinosaurus, lord of all you survey, then before you can say ‘mass extinction,’ POW! the comet hits. Then next thing you know you’re a shrew, and your world view is limited to bugs and worms.
I suppose there might be some kind of similarity, though, in what kind of critter you get reincarnated as. A shark might come back as an estate agent (or vice versa.) Or if you’re a wool bearing animal, and haven’t been able to get up to much mischief, you wake up in another field. This might not be jammy, though. In one life you’re a sheep, happily grazing in your field, dreaming about the hidden vistas on the other side of the hedge. Then you get reincarnated as a llama. At last you can see over the hedge! But instead of green fields and valleys, you have a lovely view of the M6 toll road.
So, reincarnation ain’t all it’s cracked up to be (unless you come back as a millionaire, of course.)
And what, you may ask, was a certain giant pigeon in his previous life?
Just don’t call me Scarface…
Saturday, March 25, 2006
This is Debbie Duck and chums limbering up for the Chorley Cake-eating marathon. They came round to see if they could peck up some tips and get into training - the record is 10 Chorley cakes in 2.69 seconds. Luckily they brought their own supplies - things might have got ugly if they'd wanted to break into my stash. Moral support is one thing, but me and my Chorley cakes have a special relationship.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Here's Bertie Bear modelling this year's collection of bearwear - proof positive that teddybears do wear underpants (essential on these chilly mornings.) Bertie's tips for keeping trim include a diet of Chorley cakes smothered with lashings of honey and at least 3 naps a day.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Just when I thought the menace of James Blunt was over and done with, the awful effects of his music linger on. That stupid mole insisted on digging out the JB CD from the compost heap and listening to it “…because we spent all the treasure on it, didn’t Oi.” (Luckily I told him my CD player was programmed to self-destruct if JB came anywhere near it.)
The result? He keeps having terrible nightmares and waking up with the screamin’ ab-dabs. Then he climbs into my nest – and believe me, the last thing you want at 3am is a muddy mole burrowing under your duvet.
SO I’m reading him a bedtime story every night so he goes to sleep properly.
Problem is finding him a story which isn’t too thrilling. I read the Wind in the Willows and he was got so excited, he was up all night acting out the bits with Mole and Ratty.
What would be a nice, soothing bedtime story for Mole?
Monday, February 20, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
This is it folks - the first ever 1000 pigeon bombing raid! (Feel free to join in by singing the 'Dambusters' theme tune or '633 Squadron.' ) Who knows what dangers these intrepid flyboys will face along the way? Keep everything crossed that their mission is successful - the whole future of our civilisation is at stake!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
When I opened my eyes, the first thing I spotted was the Mole stuck in the nearest tree. His balloon was caught on a branch and had already begun to deflate.
“Help! Oi don’t wanna go to the Moon!”
“Heh, heh. Serves you right!”
“Get Oi down!”
“All right, all right. Keep your fur on.”
Pigeons aren’t very good at untying knots, so I just gave the balloon another peck, and down it went.
Luckily the Mole fell in the birdbath, so he didn’t hurt himself, just had a nice cold bath.
“Oi hates baths!”
“Well you smell a lot better now, Mole!”
The Mole didn’t reply – he just jumped into the flower border and wasted no time getting all grubby again. He even forgot about his James Blunt CD.
I wonder if I could ‘persuade’ one of the local moggies to give me some money for it?
Friday, January 27, 2006
"Mole! Where are you?
"Here I be!"
"Where've you been?"
"Shopping! Oi've got some great bargains!"
"Oi've got a big balloon to un-stick you from moi tunnel, you stoopid pigeon!"
"Great! Get me out of here, quick! I'm starving!"
"Right. Oi've already tied the balloon to your tail feathers..."
"Ooh, so that's what that funny tickly feeling was! I thought it might be
"Now Oi'll start burrowin'at this end."
"It's...it's working...I'm being pulled back-.."
"Hurray! With one giant leap, this pigeon is free! Thanks, Mole! You'd better have your balloon back now - don't want the other birds laughing at me!"
"Hurr hurr! Too late for that! They've been laughin' at you all week!"
"Huh! Er...Mole...What other bargains did you get? And what did you use for money?"
"The gold, silly!"
"WHAT! All of it? Oh no! Surely you didn't use all our treasure to buy one balloon?"
"Course not! Oi'm not stoopid! Oi got another bargain as well!"
"Crumbs, oh golly, oh gosh...please tell me it's not true...what was your bargain then, Mole? A Ferrari? A supercomputer? Easter eggs?"
"Much better than any of those!"
"A James Blunt CD!"
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
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