Thursday, July 21, 2005

Fat Tony's passion wagon!

Gotta new motor

Heh, heh, heh. What a wizard wheeze that was. A huge thank you to all my pigeon pals for helping me to break out of the Big Birdbrain garden and 'liberate' the prize money! I took my feathery chums down to the chippy and we had a huge chip butty each.

I invested my 'winnings' in a new car. Much classier than the postie's bike. Nice, innit? Doris Budgie and me took a spin down to the pizza parlour last night to celebrate - a romantic evening for two, now Big Vanessa has gone at last! A great girl, Doris - and knows when to keep her beak shut.

Me and Doris are off on holiday now for a few days. The Canary Isles are nice and sunny at this time of year and a long way away from Inspector Jack Daw and his beady eyes…

And I'll have some peace and quiet to dream up the next stage of my plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

A shocked Davina talking to the press.

Sprung by da mob

Police were called to the Big Birdbrain garden last night after the £50,000 prize was stolen. "It was terrifying, " plucky TV presenter Davina Macquack said in a special press conference this morning. "We were all geared up for eviction night. Big Vanessa had been voted out by the other garden mates and was getting ready for the cameras, trying to cover her shame with a teatowel after Doris pecked off her tail, when suddenly the sky went dark.
Thousands of pigeons descended on the garden. Feathers were flying everywhere. They smashed the cameras, and everything was in confusion. Nobody knew what was happening, not even Big Birdbrain. The pigeons suddenly disappeared - when everything calmed down, we realised the prize money and Fat Tony had vanished."
"Nuttasha Kerplunkski here, DNN News. Are Doris Budgie and Big Vanessa OK?"
"They're very shocked, but fine. We found Big V. in the garden shed, eating the cress sandwiches I brought for supper. She's clinched a magazine deal, but the photo shoot will have to wait till her tail has grown back. Doris Budgie went back in her cage. She refused to comment on the incident."
"Do you think Fat Tony has been kidnapped?"
"I've got my own theory on that, but my legal team have advised me to say 'no comment.'  I can tell you Fat Tony was very unhappy after the gardenmates failed to complete their task and they were put on iron rations."
"What have the police said?"
"Inspector Jack Daw is on the case. But he said he faces an impossible task - how will he identify the pigeons responsible? There are millions out there..."

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Washing up

Day 1000000000000000001 in the Big Birdbrain garden. It's 27 hours and 92 minutes since Doris Budgie pulled out all Big Vanessa's tail feathers and made them into a feather duster. Big Vanessa is hiding behind the compost heap.
It's Fat Tony's turn to do the washing up.
Ten minutes later, Fat Tony is called to the Diary Perch.
Big Birdbrain: It was your turn to do the washing up this morning, Fat Tony.
Fat Tony: I did!
Big Birdbrain: Throwing all the crocks into the bird bath and jumping up and down on them doesn't count.
There isn't a single cup and saucer left unbroken.
Fat Tony: Gaaaaaaaah! Washing up's a mug's game!
Big Birdbrain: Big Birdbrain will reduce your rations if you don't complete your alloted task properly, Anthony.
Fat Tony: Yeah, you and whose army? I'll sit down hard on anyone who tries to cut down on my chip butties!
Big Birdbrain: Ahem! Who do you nominate for eviction this week, Fat Tony?
Fat Tony: Big Vanessa! Me and Doris Budgie want to get back together again. How can I coo sweet nothings in her ear with a two ton pigeon in the way?
Big Birdbrain: The task for the gardenmates this week is a tough one. Failure to complete it will mean no more chip butties or kebabs, Fat Tony. Using only the bits of tissue spread around the garden from Lexica's washing (why doesn't she check the jeans pockets properly?) you must construct a treehouse capable of bearing the weight of yourself, Big Vanessa and Doris for ten seconds...
Fat Tony: Coo!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Tensions rise

Day 2 in the Big Birdbrain garden. 11.43 am. It's 5minutes and 73 seconds since the gardenmates had their second breakfast. Fat Tony is snuggled up under a polka dot duvet. Big Vanessa and Doris Budgie are arguing over who has to clean out the oven.
11.44 am. A worm pokes its head above ground, spots Fat Tony and hurries back into his burrow.
11.45 am. The Ant Motorcycle Display Team take a spin round the garden. It's their last chance to practise their 1000 ant pyramid before the Guinness Book of Records man arrives.
11.46 am. Big Vanessa swoops down on the 1000 ant pyramid and scoffs the lot.
Doris Budgie is called to the Diary Perch.
"I nominate Big V. for eviction this week. This morning was the final straw. Poor Andy Ant and all his chums have been practising for months.
Plus, Vanessa is a publicity-seeking madam who wants her own magazine deal with the Pigeon Post. "My secret love nest with Fat Tony", you know the kind of thing.
Jealous? Of course I'm not jealous of that oversized *****. Anyway, she's got to go. That greedy pig has even nicked my cuttlefish."
Who goes? Who stays? You, the bloggers decide...

Monday, July 04, 2005

Big Birdbrain

Day 1 in the Big Birdbrain Garden. 10.01am. It's 3 minutes and 15 seconds since the Big Birdbrain gardenmates had their breakfast.
Fat Tony and Big Vanessa are in the birch tree. Doris Budgie is doing the washing up.
10.02 am. An ant crawls across the path.
11.26am. The ant crawls back again.
12.96 am. A leaf blows in from next door's garden.
13.05pm. A ladybird falls off a twig.
Which gardenmate is up for eviction this week?
To evict FAT TONY text 123BIGBUTT NOW.