Sunday, February 26, 2006

Bedtime story

Just when I thought the menace of James Blunt was over and done with, the awful effects of his music linger on. That stupid mole insisted on digging out the JB CD from the compost heap and listening to it “…because we spent all the treasure on it, didn’t Oi.” (Luckily I told him my CD player was programmed to self-destruct if JB came anywhere near it.)
The result? He keeps having terrible nightmares and waking up with the screamin’ ab-dabs. Then he climbs into my nest – and believe me, the last thing you want at 3am is a muddy mole burrowing under your duvet.
SO I’m reading him a bedtime story every night so he goes to sleep properly.
Problem is finding him a story which isn’t too thrilling. I read the Wind in the Willows and he was got so excited, he was up all night acting out the bits with Mole and Ratty.
What would be a nice, soothing bedtime story for Mole?

Monday, February 20, 2006

Mission Accomplished!

Hurrah! JBB squadron have just returned. Those wizard chaps said they were bang on target. Boring Blunt was covered in the world's biggest heap of guano! Now we can all sleep safely in our beds...

Friday, February 17, 2006

JBB Squadron

It's all set. At 0800 tomorrow an immense flight of highly trained pigeons - JBB (James Blunt Busting) squadron - will leave on a highly dangerous mission - to SPLAT James Blunt so horribly he will never show his face or inflict his rotten music on a poor unsuspecting public ever again.
This is it folks - the first ever 1000 pigeon bombing raid! (Feel free to join in by singing the 'Dambusters' theme tune or '633 Squadron.' ) Who knows what dangers these intrepid flyboys will face along the way? Keep everything crossed that their mission is successful - the whole future of our civilisation is at stake!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Another prime target

How could I have forgotten about Craig David? He's got to go as well.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hit list

After consulting all the local beasties - Gorgeous Gary, 'Arry Alsatian, and even Tiddles Clutterbuck - I've decided Action must be Taken to rid the world of the Menace that is James Blunt. Boring David Gray is on the 'hit list' too.  So if you know any poor, deluded creatures who have fallen under their evil spell (such as Doris Budgie and the Mole, currently sulking down his tunnel), take them gently to one side and bash them over the head with a stale Chorley cake until they see the error of their ways. (Although I have to admit this didn't go down well with Doris, who isn't Speaking to me again, but we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good.)
All I need now is some creative suggestions on what to do with all those 'music' CDs. Remember, putting James Blunt straight in the bin, while satisfying, isn't good enough as we must all Recycle nowadays. The posters of him have comedy potential so we won't worry too much about those.
Here are some tips to get you all started:
* If you run out of crackers, cover the JB CDs with jam (or peanut butter) and lick the spread off
* String them together and stretch them across the garden as an alarm system in case the long arm of the law (i.e. Inspector Jack Daw) comes sniffing round looking for contraband.
* Use them as coasters for your steaming mug of cocoa
Over to you, bloggers. The world is in peril!