Thursday, December 29, 2005
Friday, December 23, 2005
12 Big Macs
11 sausage rolls
10 cheesy pizzas
8 mince pies
7 scotch eggs
6 chip barmcakes
5 CHOCOLATE LOGS
4 jam butties
3 Christmas cakes
2 Cornish pasties
One massive trifle
Then this pigeon fell from the pear tree!
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
This is a difficult time for a plumpish pigeon who enjoys his food. Nuts or nibbles? Mince pie or Chorley cake? Chocolate log or Xmas cake? Or just scoff the lot (and get a tummyache, but who cares?)
The only thing I really have a Qualm about is Stuffing.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
Help! Big Vanessa has served a paternity suit! Says she’ll set the Chick Support Agency onto me unless I cough up some lolly – and fast!
I know we had a bit of a ‘fling,’ but it never went further than billing and cooing.
The worst of it is, Doris Budgie believes her! She slammed the door in my face when I went round for my fried egg butty for breakfast!
What shall I do? How do I prove the kid ain’t mine?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Monday, November 07, 2005
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Well, it's time for my autumn break. I was a bit worried about leaving all my ill-gotten gains (and Chorley cakes) unguarded all week, though (let's face it, Gorgeous Gary is too much of a big softie to be a proper henchman.) So I asked some hard mates to keep an eye on things and make sure Tiddles doesn't come prowling around. Curly, Larry and Mo are from the SAS (Special Attack Sheep) regiment and they don't take kindly to anyone butting in on their territory.
See you next week!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
The whole world has gone mad.
If I discover next that Kendal mint cake isn't made in Kendal and that Victoria sponges aren't made by Queen Victoria I'm going to give up and stick to Empire biscuits.
Made in the British Empire, of course.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Friday, September 30, 2005
Me singing Molyan's song.
As you can see, I've gone completely potty about Molyan's song (see Molyan)
All my pigeon pals are crazy about it. I can't get the words out of my head. It's bound to go straight to Number One of the Pigeon Pop charts (not Number Two.)
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I was thinking of inviting him to stay while he recuperates. Lexica's only got a paddling pool, though - maybe me and Gertie could pool our resources. Gorgeous Gary suggested we sellotape up the garden shed and fill it with water, but I said that was a Stupid Idea. Even this pigeon knows you can't fit a 30ft giant squid into a 6x4 shed.
It would be really cool having him here though. The smirk on Tiddles Clutterbuck's furry face would disappear pretty quick if Sydney jumped out from behind the garden shed. That would stop him chasing pigeons and baby sparrows for supper...
I'm just off to find a Get Well card and write him an invite...
Monday, September 26, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Isn't Doris Budgie a great chum? She saw I was pining for Bernard/Bjorn, so she got me some new pets to play with.Though what she thinks I have in common with 2 little animals who do nothing all day except eat, sleep and build nests is anyone's guess.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Had a close call this morning. Nearly got eaten by Tiddles Clutterbuck!
It seems he was very impressed by Derek the Sheep's ninja skills and has been practising. There I was, enjoying a fried egg butty for my breakfast, when I suddenly felt someone's warm breath on my neck and instinctively flew for cover - smack into Lexica's window! As I perched on the windowledge, stunned, I saw that rotten moggy slink away into the raspberry bushes. I was very nearly Tiddles' Tweety-Pie sandwich!
And if all that isn't bad enough, I'm getting really worried about Doris Budgie.
Her big night out at Derek's disco has given her a taste for the high life, and now she's out till all hours at one hen night after another. Where will it all end?
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Friday, September 02, 2005
Mission accom-plished! Oi've successfully rescued Bernard the turnip. He do talk funny, though. Oi seem to have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque - Oi meant to deliver Bernard safely to Derek the Sheep's field, and us've popped up in the middle of a cricket match.
Help! Bernard's rolled onto the pitch! Shane Warne thinks he's a cricket ball!
He's bowling him towards Freddie Flintoff!
OI CAN'T LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
I'm beginning to wonder if Gorgeous Gary has led me astray here. Whenever I call Bernard "Bernard," he starts saying "Bjorn, Bjorn!"
G. Gary promised me he'd snaffled a world famous goat for extortion purposes.
Still, there's no need to panic just yet.
1. Bernard the Goat is still missing, so it probably is him - perhaps he's got magnesia or something after eating too many underpants.
2. No-one else except Gorgeous G. knows I've got him.
3. There's still no reply to my ransom note, so Derek the Sheep and pals are probably emptying out their piggy banks to pay me my £1000.
(Though the ton of pigeon food might be nice - I'm peckish today.)
4. If it isn't Bernard, maybe someone else will pay the ransom for him. But they'd better hurry up - he's eating me out of nest and home.
Friday, August 19, 2005
He also got very excited when Gorgeous Gary played his Abba CD.
In fact, considering he's a kidnap victim, our vegetable friend seems to be having a whale of a time.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Friday, August 12, 2005
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Fat Tony here. A Certain Sheep - see
I wonder if the chippy's open yet?
Monday, August 01, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Heh, heh, heh. What a wizard wheeze that was. A huge thank you to all my pigeon pals for helping me to break out of the Big Birdbrain garden and 'liberate' the prize money! I took my feathery chums down to the chippy and we had a huge chip butty each.
I invested my 'winnings' in a new car. Much classier than the postie's bike. Nice, innit? Doris Budgie and me took a spin down to the pizza parlour last night to celebrate - a romantic evening for two, now Big Vanessa has gone at last! A great girl, Doris - and knows when to keep her beak shut.
Me and Doris are off on holiday now for a few days. The Canary Isles are nice and sunny at this time of year and a long way away from Inspector Jack Daw and his beady eyes
And I'll have some peace and quiet to dream up the next stage of my plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Big Vanessa on the prowl. She's waddling so fast in her hurry to find some crumbs, she's a blur of movement. This pigeon can break the speed of sound if she spots a jam butty.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Oi didn't mean it to happen - it's all that stupid great pigeon's fault for being so FAT! All Oi was trying to do was tunnel under the climbing frame so it would fall into a neat little hole, complete with Fat Tony.
But Fat T's so HUGE it all went 'orribly wrong.
Lexica was very cross. She said next toime it rains, she'd end up with a girt big lake in her garden. Oi said she could use it as a swimming pool, but she reckoned it'd be full o' worms.
What be wrong with luvverly worms, anyway? Or slugs.
Anyroad, us've worked hard and filled it all in agin.
Lexica done promised us a noice cuppa tea and a Garibaldi biscuit when we be all finished.
Oi was worried Fat Tony'd come and squash poor Oi if he saw Oi, but 'ee's bein' chased by that Big Vanessa - Two Tons of Fun.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Mine is called Big Vanessa, and I just can't shake her off.
As you know, I'm a slightly-larger-than-usual pigeon (just slightly) but trees crash and buildings topple when Big V. flies past.
I tried puffing myself up to twice my usual size, and the dozy pigeon thought this was a 'come-on'!
She's following me about everywhere, and even tried to muscle in on my nice nest (tastefully lined with copies of the Beano.)
And the worst - the absolute Worst- of it all - I can hardly tell you this, it's so Awful...
She keeps pinching my chips!
Big Vanessa has got to go. And soon - or I'll be a shadow of my former self...
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
But just wait till I get hold of that Mole! The firemen thought the crater was caused by a gas explosion or something, but I saw the little blighter scurrying away as I headed towards Australia.
I don't think the climbing frame is going to be the same again.
Every cloud has a silver lining though - Lexica's not too pleased with the Mole! She's lost all her petunias - and there's nowhere to peg out her washing.
Doris Budgie has promised to make me some breakfast - she said I need to regain my strength after my Ordeal.
Hope it's eggy bread. I LOVE eggy bread. With brown sauce. And sausages. And beans. And...
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Police and firecrews are at the scene on a street in leafy Duckshire.
A giant crater, over 100ft wide, has appeared in Lexica's garden.
Mr Mole, you just happened to be passing by when this incident occurred. Can you tell us what happened?"
"Hur hurr, Oi sure did. That stupid great pigeon was perched atop of the climbing frame as usual, when boom! there were a girt big rumblin' noise, and the 'ole darn lot disappeared down into a dirty big 'ole."
"You must have been frightened, Mr Mole."
"Oi dunno about that - Oi was too busy splittin' my sides fit to bust, Oi was."
"I'm just going to ask the police chief to update us on the situation...
"Where are you going in such a hurry, Mr Mole?"
"Urr...Oi think Oi left the gas on..."
"Officer, how is the rescue attempt progressing?"
"Well, Nuttasha, we're waiting for the arrival of a giant crane from the next county so that we can hoist the pigeon out. He's still at the bottom of the pit, feet waving in the air, surrounded by the remains of a child's climbing frame."
"Do we know the identity of the victim, Officer?"
"Fat Tony. He's well known to the local police."
"Oh. Why doesn't he just, well...FLY out of the crater?"
"Heh, heh, heh. It seems that owing to his enormous size, the only way Fat Tony can usually reach escape velocity is to take a death-defying leap off the climbing frame first, then flap his wings at high speed."
"Any theories as to what could have caused this immense crater, Officer?"
"Well, it could be an earthquake. Duckshire isn't usually noted for earthquake activitiy, though."
"Could it be mole activity? There have been reports..."
"No, I think that's a red herring."
"It all sounds very fishy to me. Thank you again, Officer. Well, we'll obviously update viewers as soon as possible, but it's back to the studio for the latest celebrity news. It's been reported Derek the Sheep is wearing bright pink underpants on his head. A new fashion?
This is Nuttasha Kerplunkski, DNN News, signing off."
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I've got a lot of money from my 'insurance' schemes hidden under my nest.
My accident insurance scheme is quite simple - the neighbourhood moggies pay me protection money, and I protect them from being accidentally dropped on by a great height. By a large pigeon. Fair enough isn't it?
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I made a start but then got stuck. Rhyming stuff is really hard - I reckon the poem needs some more work doing on it - it's too short.
'Arry Alsatian said he didn't think it was romantic enough, but then what does a stupid mutt know about poetry anyway?
Please forgive me, Doris Budgie
Why has our love gone
Down the cludgie?
Monday, May 23, 2005
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Friday, May 20, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
1. Find Derek's field in Papua New Guinea.
2. Kidnap Derek the Sheep!
3. Sell Britain's favourite sheep on e-Bay for 50 squillion pounds!
4. Take over the World!
What could possibly go wrong?
Everything, that's what. The bike I 'borrowed' got two flat tyres and collapsed after half a mile. I had to hitch a lift on a tractor all the rest of the way.
When I finally found Derek's field - he wasn't there! All I could find was some dozy sheep with a yukky nose and a stupid balloon.
First the silly sheep kept going on and on about how he couldn't understand my Northern accent.Then that rotten balloon kept making unkind remarks about my weight!
It's not my fault I have a slow metabolism. I tried to peck the balloon but a mean-looking goat turned up. "Derek's gone to watch the new Star Wars movie! Now clear off before I call the police!" he bleated.
What a cheek!
And I'm not a ginormous smelly fat whale of a pigeon, either! Flippin' balloon!
One of my pigeon pals phoned me on my mobile to say he thought Lexica was up to something. I'm going home!
I will just have to come up with another plan to take over the world. And when I do, balloons will be first on my list of things to 'deal with'!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Monday, May 09, 2005
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
there is still a chocolate hobnob crisis though.
- ► 2007 (26)
- ► 2006 (53)
- ► November (8)
- ► September (11)
- ► August (9)
- ► July (7)
- ► June (10)
- ► May (15)