Thursday, June 30, 2005

Big Vanessa on the prowl. She's waddling so fast in her hurry to find some crumbs, she's a blur of movement. This pigeon can break the speed of sound if she spots a jam butty.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The mole gardening

Oi'm Sorry, Lexica

Me (the Mole) and all my chums've been busy filling in the giant crater for Lexica.
Oi didn't mean it to happen - it's all that stupid great pigeon's fault for being so FAT! All Oi was trying to do was tunnel under the climbing frame so it would fall into a neat little hole, complete with Fat Tony.
But Fat T's so HUGE it all went 'orribly wrong.
Lexica was very cross. She said next toime it rains, she'd end up with a girt big lake in her garden. Oi said she could use it as a swimming pool, but she reckoned it'd be full o' worms.
What be wrong with luvverly worms, anyway? Or slugs.
Anyroad, us've worked hard and filled it all in agin.
Lexica done promised us a noice cuppa tea and a Garibaldi biscuit when we be all finished.
Oi was worried Fat Tony'd come and squash poor Oi if he saw Oi, but 'ee's bein' chased by that Big Vanessa - Two Tons of Fun.
Hurr hurr!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The Price of Fame

The problem with appearing on the telly (even if all the viewers can see is your feet waving around at the bottom of a Giant Pit) is that you become an instant celebrity. And acquire a Stalker.
Mine is called Big Vanessa, and I just can't shake her off.
As you know, I'm a slightly-larger-than-usual pigeon (just slightly) but trees crash and buildings topple when Big V. flies past.
I tried puffing myself up to twice my usual size, and the dozy pigeon thought this was a 'come-on'!
She's following me about everywhere, and even tried to muscle in on my nice nest (tastefully lined with copies of the Beano.)
And the worst - the absolute Worst- of it all - I can hardly tell you this, it's so Awful...
She keeps pinching my chips!
Big Vanessa has got to go. And soon - or I'll be a shadow of my former self...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Out of the fryingpan

NOT feeling too chipper this morning. I've lost loads of feathers after spending a whole day and night upside down in a giant crater in Lexica's garden. The big crane arrived at 3am (oh, the shame!) and hoisted me out. The crane operator and firemen were very nice, even if they did suggest I stick to salads from now on.
But just wait till I get hold of that Mole! The firemen thought the crater was caused by a gas explosion or something, but I saw the little blighter scurrying away as I headed towards Australia.
I don't think the climbing frame is going to be the same again.
Every cloud has a silver lining though - Lexica's not too pleased with the Mole! She's lost all her petunias - and there's nowhere to peg out her washing.
Doris Budgie has promised to make me some breakfast - she said I need to regain my strength after my Ordeal.
Hope it's eggy bread. I LOVE eggy bread. With brown sauce. And sausages. And beans. And...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Mole being interviewed by Nuttasha

Pit of Peril

"Nuttasha Kerplunkski reporting, DNN News.
Police and firecrews are at the scene on a street in leafy Duckshire.
A giant crater, over 100ft wide, has appeared in Lexica's garden.
Mr Mole, you just happened to be passing by when this incident occurred. Can you tell us what happened?"

"Hur hurr, Oi sure did. That stupid great pigeon was perched atop of the climbing frame as usual, when boom! there were a girt big rumblin' noise, and the 'ole darn lot disappeared down into a dirty big 'ole."

"You must have been frightened, Mr Mole."

"Oi dunno about that - Oi was too busy splittin' my sides fit to bust, Oi was."

"I'm just going to ask the police chief to update us on the situation...


"Where are you going in such a hurry, Mr Mole?"

"Urr...Oi think Oi left the gas on..."

"Officer, how is the rescue attempt progressing?"

"Well, Nuttasha, we're waiting for the arrival of a giant crane from the next county so that we can hoist the pigeon out. He's still at the bottom of the pit, feet waving in the air, surrounded by the remains of a child's climbing frame."

"Do we know the identity of the victim, Officer?"

"Fat Tony. He's well known to the local police."

"Oh. Why doesn't he just, well...FLY out of the crater?"

"Heh, heh, heh. It seems that owing to his enormous size, the only way Fat Tony can usually reach escape velocity is to take a death-defying leap off the climbing frame first, then flap his wings at high speed."

"Any theories as to what could have caused this immense crater, Officer?"

"Well, it could be an earthquake. Duckshire isn't usually noted for earthquake activitiy, though."

"Could it be mole activity? There have been reports..."

"No, I think that's a red herring."

"It all sounds very fishy to me. Thank you again, Officer. Well, we'll obviously update viewers as soon as possible, but it's back to the studio for the latest celebrity news. It's been reported Derek the Sheep is wearing bright pink underpants on his head. A new fashion?
This is Nuttasha Kerplunkski, DNN News, signing off."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Stop the mole!

Bloomin' Norah! I've spent all week trying to catch the strange burrowing creature in my garden. Lexica said it's a mole, and that I was to leave the CUTE (cute!) little darling alone. The only cute darling round here is Doris Budgie. And if that blinkin' mole doesn't stop digging up my garden, I'm going to have to get some of my big pigeon friends (not as big as me, obviously) to - well, EXPLAIN his options to him.

Monday, June 06, 2005


Just wait till I get hold of that mangy moggy Tiddles! I spent days under the garden shed, hiding from the inland revenue guys, when I heard Jack Daw and Doris Budgie sniggering away next door.
It was really scary under the shed - full of spiders and giant slugs (though these were really tasty). But the ground keeps shaking - and I'm sure I can hear snuffling noises underground. Is Duckshire in an earthquake zone?
Or am I going Crackers? 
I need a nice chippy tea to calm my nerves...

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

In hiding

I'm keeping a low profile today. Tiddles Clutterbuck told me the Inland Revenue guys are in the area checking up on all the pigeons who haven't paid their dues.
I've got a lot of money from my 'insurance' schemes hidden under my nest.
My accident insurance scheme is quite simple - the neighbourhood moggies pay me protection money, and I protect them from being accidentally dropped on by a great height. By a large pigeon. Fair enough isn't it?