Monday, December 24, 2007

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas everybody! Me and Mole are already tucking into some mince pies. Have a great time everyone!

Friday, December 14, 2007

In case of James Blunt...

It has come to my and Mole's attention that James Blunt has been spotted out and about again. Even on previously prestigious programmes such as Top Gear! It's got to be stopped. We've found an old cannon, and Mole are me are getting it primed and ready just in case he comes here carol singing or summat.
You can't be too careful nowadays...

Sunday, November 18, 2007

A small visitor

I was waddling down to the chippy for a spot of lunch, when I was stopped by a young pup asking for directions. Bobby the Labrador wanted to know the way to the canal. Small creatures should be careful about speaking to strangers. Luckily, although I am a cool criminal mastermind, my interests lie in the pizza and bank robbery department. Maybe I don't look menacing enough. Perhaps I ought to get some darker sunglasses!
I do hope the little pup is all right - he seems rather small to be toddling about on his own.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Hi folks! I've been having some blogger 'issues' for the past few days, hopefully they'll all be sorted out soon. It's tricky when you've only got a pigeon-sized brain.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Hallowe'en fun

What a wizard wheeze Hallowe'en is when you're a giant pigeon. I plonked a witch's hat on my head, found an old seaside bucket and carried it in my beak round all the houses. I got a smashing haul of sweeties - and everyone complimented me on my unusual costume! What a laugh!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

A Great Invention?

The Mole fires up his new Patent Worm Excavating and Mole Feeding Device.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

New dictionary entry

Ninnyhammer (n.) Metal implement for use in dire peril, e.g. In case of James Blunt, break CD. See also Beddingfield, Daniel.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Fat Tony's Occasional Dictionary

Hi! Didya miss me? A dictionary fell on my foot and I had to wait till my pal Bertie Bookworm lightened the load a bit. While I was waiting I had a look at the dictionary, and it was full of useless words like 'diet' and 'politician.' So I decided to invent a few of my own. Here's today's word:
Speculation (n.) That awful moment thirty seconds after putting your glasses down when you can't remember where you've put them and you're too short-sighted to see them anywhere...

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Born free

I put Bilbo carefully back in the garden border. At first he curled up into a ball. I trotted to the far end of the garden so he wouldn't feel crowded, and all off a sudden he unrolled and trundled off through the undergrowth, the flowers waving as he pushed his way through. Blinkin' hedgehog! He gave me an awful fright. He seems happy enough now. Maybe he'd had a night out on the tiles and had a hangover. Anyway, I'm off to the chippy. I'm sure I'm wasting away after all this worry...

Monday, June 18, 2007

Would you believe it!

Well, off we went to the vet. I was really worried about little Bilbo, as you can imagine.
The nurse asked me to leave him there for a little while while they checked him over. When I came back, the nurse said he was right as rain! He curled up in a ball as soon as she tried to examine him, but she said he was fine. So maybe he was just sleepy and cold when I found him as it was first thing in the morning. The nurse said to put him back in the garden, so that's where we're off to now.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Off to the vet

The RSPCA advised me to take Bilbo along to the vet, so off we go. I do hope he'll be OK.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Very worrying

Well, Bilbo's had a little drink. Silly hedgehog knocked over his water though. But now he's just lying there... I think I'd better phone the RSPCA for some advice.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Poor Bilbo!

Poor Bilbo the hedgehog doesn't seem at all well. He didn't even try to roll up into a ball when I picked him up. I'm going to try wrapping him in a cosy towel and giving him a drink of water.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Hedgehog peril!

There's a very sad and worried looking young hedgehog in the garden. He's hardly moving; just sitting there. I do hope he's all right!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Strange goings-on

There have been some very odd noises in the trees in my garden today. Could there be a new animal on the loose?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Goodbye to Mars bars

Terrible news today.
Mars bars, Twix and Snickers will have dead cow's innards in them. Why the heck would even the most hardened chocolate lover want chocolate with offal inside?
My world is ending...

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The perils of spring cleaning

The bottom fell out of my world last night when I climbed into my nest at bedtime. Me and my teddy plummeted onto the lawn with an almighty crash!
I should never have let Doris Budgie near my nest with Barry Plott's Sellit Bung. Not only has it killed 99% of all known germs, it's taken half the pear tree with it!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

It's my birthday!

Another year older, another year wiser. And there's still some Easter egg left...

Monday, April 09, 2007


I was sitting quietly in my nest, tucking into an Easter egg or three, and reading on old copy of Bunty I found blowing round the garden, when I heard a loud banging coming from the garden shed. I flew over and peeked inside, and there was my pal Robin Redbreast trapped inside! Coo! He wasn't half cross. Luckily my old pal Jemmy Yale happens to know a thing or two about locks, so we soon sprung him outta there. Poor guy had hopped inside looking for ants and other goodies, and the door swung to and locked him in! I offered him a mini egg to cheer him up, but for some reason he prefers worms. Suits me!
By the way, if anyone's been given too many Easter eggs, and wants them to go to a good home, there's always room in my nest for another one. Look after your local wildlife, I always say...

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Which dinosaur?

I have been happily watching 'Primeval' for the last few weeks, enjoying all the mindless violence and scary monsters while I tucked into my teatime pizza, and I suddenly wondered which dinosaur was my ancestor. (Fellow addicts of 'Walking with dinosaurs' and so on will know us birds are descended from the coolest creatures who ever lived.) If my great-great-great........great -great- great- grandad was a diplodocus or T. Rex, that would explain my immense size, so I could stop worrying about going on a diet. Or maybe I was an allosaur - or a stegosaur? Who knows!

Anyway, whichever it was, I bet I looked completely brilliant. (Although I probably didn't have my trademark cool shades.)

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

A Pigeon makeover?

Doris Budgie says if I'm not going to go on a diet, at the very least I should have a new haircut instead of my boring old feathercut. But which to choose? Some of these look rather girly for a criminal mastermind...

Monday, February 19, 2007

Oh dear!

Well, I made my way down to the chippy OK, but as Menaceman so astutely pointed out, the problem came when I finished scoffing my chippy tea and wanted to go back to my nest and sleep it off.
I was stuck at the bottom of the hill!
A passing farmer took pity on me and tried to give me a tow back up with his tractor. Unfortunately the tow rope broke and I hurtled back into the row of shops -which included my beloved takeaway - and I demolished half of Ducktown!
The moral of the story is, see if your chippy will deliver to your door!
I tried to put a link to a video of this historic event, but it didn't work, so you'll just have to use your imagination...

Monday, February 05, 2007

A foolproof idea!

It suddenly dawned on me that THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO POINT in dieting until after Pancake Tuesday. So to solve the immediate problem, i.e. getting down to the chippy, I had a Brainwave. The chippy is at the bottom of a big hill, so all I have to do is borrow a couple of skateboards, strap one to each foot and zoom all the way down! What could possibly go wrong?

Friday, January 26, 2007

Decisions, decisions...

Hobnobs or Ryvita? Peanuts or celery stick? Toast or lettuce leaf? Eat like a pig and be my usual self, or diet and be a miserable, grumpy pigeon? It's wearing my brain out...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

You are what you Tweet

Reasons for going on a diet:
1. I'll be able to fly again.
2. Doris Budgie might agree to share her last Rolo with me if I lose a couple of pounds.
3. I'll be able to make a quick getaway from Tiddles the cat.
4. I can run down to the chippy instead of taking a taxi so I will save pounds too!
5. I will be even more handsome than I am now!

Reasons for NOT going on a diet:
1. No chips, chocolate, crisps or pizza!
2. If I go on a diet I could end up on the telly with Gillian McTweet and she will start ferreting about in my pigeon droppings - yuk!
3. No fig rolls, custard creams or chocolate Hobnobs!
4. Instead of running away from Tiddles I can just squash him like a furry bug.
5. I might not be the biggest pigeon in the world any more!

Hmm... it's going to be a finely balanced decision...

Friday, January 05, 2007

Crash landing!

Chocks away! Flap, flap, flap, flap, FLAP!
Cough, splutter…aaaaargh! CRASH! SPLINTER!
Help! I can't achieve escape velocity!
Maybe, just maybe - perhaps I should go on a - DIET!