Wednesday, May 25, 2005

An Ode To Doris?

I'm desperate to win Doris back - that Inspector Jack Daw keeps hanging about, bringing her flowers and boxes of chocs (which she wouldn't share with me, the meanie.) So I was inspired by Lexica's rap to write a poem. Poetry always gets women all slushy.
I made a start but then got stuck. Rhyming stuff is really hard - I reckon the poem needs some more work doing on it - it's too short.
'Arry Alsatian said he didn't think it was romantic enough, but then what does a stupid mutt know about poetry anyway?

Please forgive me, Doris Budgie
Why has our love gone
Down the cludgie?

Monday, May 23, 2005

Fat Tony's Rap

Look out world
The name's Fat Tony
If I get no chips
Then I get real moany
World Domination
Is my game
An enormous butt's
My claim to fame!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

The Mole!

Introducing The Mole! Fat Tony's arch-nemesis!
"Oooh arr! That pigeon'd better watch out!"

Friday, May 20, 2005


Lexica here! I couldn't believe my eyes! I was watching  'Have I got News for You' tonight on BBC1 when Fat Tony turned up - larger than life! Look out for him on the last 5 mins of the show on Saturday night's repeat at 10pm, BBC2.

strange noises

I'm really REALLY FED UP.
Doris Budgie won't come and see the new Star Wars movie with me.
She said "There's no way I'm going to the pictures with you again, Anthony. It was so embarrassing, sitting with a pigeon who took up 4 seats on his own. And you ordered popcorn in a skip!"
Huh. She eats like a bird, anyway. I just happen to have a healthy appetite.
There's something very strange going on in the garden. I was perched on top of the kids' climbing frame, tucking into some fish fingers I'd pinched from Tiddles Clutterbuck (next door's moggy), when I heard some very odd noises. Almost like someone digging or tunnelling.
And there's another sound, too. A bit like a Wurzel stuck down a mine shaft. "oooh arrr, oooh arrr.'
What could it be?

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

when the pigeon's away

LEXICA here.
Well, Fat Tony's back - and looking very sorry for himself, with his tail between his legs. (Not easy when you're a pigeon.)
I was VERY cross when I found out what he'd been up to. What a meanie! Fancy trying to kidnap Derek! The poor sheep will have conniptions every time he sees a pigeon now.
But what a wimp Fat Tony turned out to be! Beaten by Lenny's balloon and Bernard the goat.
F.T. keeps wandering round the garden, grumbling about Insensitive Balloons and how he'll get his Revenge on the Whole World.
But he'd better watch out - a little friend and I are ready and waiting in case he comes up with another bird-brained scheme. That overweight pigeon has made holes in my lawn when landing once too often!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Curses! Foiled again!

Fat Tony's Plan for world domination
1. Find Derek's field in Papua New Guinea.
2. Kidnap Derek the Sheep!
3. Sell Britain's favourite sheep on e-Bay for 50 squillion pounds!
4. Take over the World!

What could possibly go wrong?
Everything, that's what. The bike I 'borrowed' got two flat tyres and collapsed after half a mile. I had to hitch a lift on a tractor all the rest of the way.
When I finally found Derek's field - he wasn't there! All I could find was some dozy sheep with a yukky nose and a stupid balloon.
First the silly sheep kept going on and on about how he couldn't understand my Northern accent.Then that rotten balloon kept making unkind remarks about my weight!
It's not my fault I have a slow metabolism. I tried to peck the balloon but a mean-looking goat turned up. "Derek's gone to watch the new Star Wars movie! Now clear off before I call the police!" he bleated.
What a cheek!
And I'm not a ginormous smelly fat whale of a pigeon, either! Flippin' balloon!
One of my pigeon pals phoned me on my mobile to say he thought Lexica was up to something. I'm going home!
I will just have to come up with another plan to take over the world. And when I do, balloons will be first on my list of things to 'deal with'!

Saturday, May 14, 2005


A surveillance pic of Fat Tony captured by a brave FBI Agent.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

while the pigeon's away

Lexica here. While Fat Tony is off trying to find Papua New Guinea, some pals and I are going to start an underground movement to defeat the evil bird's fiendish plans.
I can't believe he'll get far, though. He's too fat to fly more than a couple of feet, and the postie's bike won't support his weight for very long.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Flying Squad

The name is Daw. Jack Daw. I was sent to investigate the disappearance of a postman in darkest Duckshire.
I was proceeding in an orderly fashion near the scene of the alleged disappearance when I became aware of muffled cries of "HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" and a pair of smelly trainers sticking out of the top of a large prickly hedge. I extricated the trainers, and discovered there was a large postman attached to them.
I attempted to question Postie, but he was hysterical. Kept screaming about a giant pigeon and orange, scary eyes.  The pigeon, aka Fat Tony, apparently forced Postie to fill in all the RSPB junk mail and buy 50 new memberships + freebie bird food. Postie said he hadn't any money or credit cards, just a Blockbuster card, whereupon the aforementioned pigeon said "Coo! Coo! That'll do nicely, sir." He then pecked through the postbag, looking for titbits, and hurled Postie into the hedge with one biff of his mighty wing.
As I prepared to go back to the station and make my report, I spotted some net curtains twitching at the house next door. A blue budgie named Doris, (age 20, 36-24-36) confirmed the existence of the giant pigeon, but, all of a-flutter, could not confirm the orange scary eyes as the perpetrator was wearing Calvin Klein sunglasses. Fat Tony also sported a smart dinner jacket and carried a musical instrument case, balanced on the handlebars of on the postie's bike.
A traumatised kitty answering to the name of Tiddles Clutterbuck confirmed the giant bird's getaway on the Royal Mail vehicle. The moggy was at first too afraid to give evidence, but after promising Tiddles a place on the Witness Protection Programme, he confirmed Fat Tony had requested directions to Papua New Guinea and also mentioned something about World Domination.
This looks like a case for the Flying Squad...

A mystery

Still no sign of our usual postie. A new one came this morning carrying 50 RSPB memberships and 50 bird feeders filled with nuts. Very strange...

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Red Alert!

Oh no! The postie has vanished! It must be Fat Tony's doing! Surely he couldn't have...surely pigeons are vegetarian...

Fat Tony

I am the biggest pigeon in the world! All will look upon me and despair (especially if they've just washed their car.) I've decided to permit Lexica to chronicle my bid for world domination... watch this space!

Monday, May 09, 2005


Fat Tony (the biggest pigeon in the world) got very excited when he saw the giant slug monster on Doctor Who on Saturday. Just the right size for a tasty snack for him...

Saturday, May 07, 2005


A very wet and windy Saturday morning. Fat Tony nowhere in sight, but I'd better put some bread out later - as I was working on the laptop yesterday, he was looking in through the window very menacingly at me.