How to watch wildlife

And another thing...I was mooching along a country lane, tryin' to think up a new way of taking over the world, when I came across one of those twitcher blokes. Y'know, dodgy anorak, bird book with lots of pretty pictures, mad staring eyes glued to binoculars ...He was all excited coz he'd just spotted a pied jaffinch or something.

Now you would think seeing a pigeon of my unusual proportions would stop a twitcher in his tracks, but no, he just ignored me, jabbering to himself about warblers and whatnot.

So I said, "Aren't you going to note me down in your book?"

He just snorted.

"Look pal," I snarled, "I'm the biggest pigeon in the world, and I reckon that deserves a really big tick in your notebook."

I won't shock my Gentle Readers with his uncalled-for comments on the Noble Breed of Pigeons.

Let's just say he's now doing a Bill Oddie and looking for wildlife down the bottom of an eight-foot-deep muddy ditch.

Head first!