Stowaways!

It seems like a long time since I had a holiday, so I hitched a ride on a ferry to see my mate Patrick Seamus Neddy O'Donkey over in the Emerald Isle. I was just settling down in a nice new nest in the top bunk with this week's Beano, when I heard a lot of giggling down below. That flippin' Mole and his otter friend had somehow followed me on to the ferry!
I just hope they keep quiet, because if the crew find us we'll be washing dishes and swabbing the decks for the rest of the way...

Wanted

Someone to share a packet of Revels with. I don't like the coffee creams. And the caramel ones are too chewy for my beak.

Next time I'll check first if Tiddles is carrying Maltesers or Minstrels before I go to the bother of mugging him for his sweeties...

Apocalypse Now!

Why didn't anyone tell me about the clocks going back? The chippy has been open for a whole hour earlier every day! And I like to be first in the queue.
I'm completely traumatised after last night. Mole came trundling up with a big grin on his face and a bag of chestnuts in his paws. "Us can 'ave a midnoight feast of roasted chestnuts," he said, "a squirrel gave me these." (Now I come to think of it, that's a very unlikely tale. But to continue...) So we gathered a few twigs together, set them alight, popped the chestnuts in the middle, and waited...
BANG! CRACK! BOOM! Bits of high velocity chestnut flew everywhere! One knocked the owl next door out of his tree! It was every pigeon for himself! Mole, of course, just burrowed down into the ground and disappeared, leaving me cowering behind the holly bush till the explosions petered out.
I won't put my nuts in the fire again in a hurry, you can be sure of that. Just wait till I get hold of that pesky Mole...

Bored, bored, bored. And hungry.

The chippy's run out of spuds, the pizza parlour won't let me in after the last unfortunate incident, and even the Indian restaurant is refusing to serve me. (Just coz I broke the doorway last time I bought some bhajis.) I reckon there's a spot of discrimination against giant pigeons going on. Now what do I do?

A Message for Jammie Oliver

Well, we're back safe and sound. With two mighty leaps, Mole and I were back in the 'hood!
And what has happened while I've been away? The food fascists have been on the rampage, threatening to shut down all the chippys and kebab shops!
I reckon Jammie Oliver and Gillian McTweet haven't thought things through, though. None of this healthy eating lark really applies to pigeons because:
1. We're designed to be walking dustbins anyway.
2. Pigeon survival is at stake. It stands to reason; a small pigeon will make an easy mouthful for a moggy. But an economy-sized pigeon (modest cough) will be too difficult for any passing Tiddles to fit in their maw. AND can squash the nasty moggy flat as a pancake if it gives any trouble.
3. If I went on a diet, I wouldn't be the biggest pigeon in the world any more and some pathetic wannabe would take my place.
So I have a message for Jammie Oliver: TALK TO THE WING, 'COZ THIS PIGEON AIN'T LISTENING!

The Way Back?

Coo! The Mole has found 2 mysterious doorways. Could one of them lead us back to the back garden and my lovely nest? I'm really getting homesick. And what if the local chippy has closed down without me to keep it going?
But - what if I get stuck - in the tunnel?
Looks like we've got three options:

A: Run away screaming and try and hitch a lift off someone.
B: The Mole and me could go down the same tunnel.
C: We could split up and pick a tunnel each. But if Mole disappears I will be all on my own!
And choosing a tunnel will cause a row anyway as the Mole is such an argumentative blighter. (No, Oi ain't!) Yes, you are. (Oi'm not!) Yes you...
We could be stuck here for quite some time ...

A slight technical hitch

Right. The picnic basket is empty, the Mole's sulking because he can't find any worms, and neither of us can remember the way home. Now what do we do?

Another Alien?

Mole has found a new friend - either a Puffin called Papay or a Papay called Puffin, I'm not sure which. The new critter nicked all the anchovies off my emergency pizza I'd tucked into the bottom of the picnic basket. We'll have to think about going home soon if we don't find some fresh provisions, though. Exploring the galaxy is one thing, but running out of chocolate hobnobs is one step too far for this pigeon!

A Heated Debate

The Mole and I had a big row this morning. He doesn't believe we are on an alien planet at all. The nerve! He had to admit this sandy stuff is nothing like the soil in our garden, though. And at least it's keeping him quiet for a bit...

Pigeon Heaven!

Hurray! There really are peanuts in this strange alien land! At least I won't starve once the picnic basket runs out. What a stroke of luck, especially since it's dinner-time. Again.

Tales from the Void II - Another alien!

Now this proves I'm in foreign parts because this strange critter shouted at me in Alien!
It sounded something like Gerrawayframmahpeanuts! Yesmellysassenachpijin!
Hang on a minute - are those peanuts he's scoffing?

Stowaway!

I might've known it! I can't even go on an amazing adventure without that pesky mole tagging along! AND he's eaten all the pies! My custard creams had just better be untouched by grubby mole paws, or else...

My Holiday Diary - Tales from the Void - Aliens!

As I jumped into the scary light, it was really cool with lots of whirling stars and whooshy Tardis noises. Now I'm in a strange new world with lots of weird aliens! I wonder which star system I'm in. Maybe I'm on a planet circling the brightest star of the Great Pigeon constellation! Luckily there's a breathable Earth-type atmosphere, because I didn't have room to fit my spacesuit in the picnic basket - too many Scotch eggs.
Speaking of picnic baskets, there's a funny muffled noise coming from inside it...

Supermassive black hole?

Some pundits think it is unwise for pigeons and moles to tamper with nature, and I'm beginning to think they're right. Since my ill-fated experiment with the cloaking device (or invisibility machine for non sci-fi nuts) the garden hasn't been its usual self. Strange temporal effects have occurred, like me thinking it was Thursday all day yesterday. And the garden shed and my new perch, the bird table, are looking decidedly rickety. (Before you all comment and say it doesn't look sturdy enough to take the weight of the biggest pigeon in the world, I'd just like to point out that the bird table is in fact 40ft high x 10ftx 20 ft. So there.)
Anyway, after watching Dr Who this week with all the cool Dalek and Cybermen battles, this weird shiny light appeared. It must be the gateway to another dimension!
So I'm off to explore this brave new world. I'm hoping it will end up somewhere brilliant like Fort Knox, the Bank of England or maybe even the Tower of London with all those sparkly crown jewels! At the very least it'll help me with my cunning plan to take over the world! Be seeing ya!

Did I miss something?

What a weekend. After a miserable several days trying to find a new perch, I cheered myself up on Friday night with 3 pizzas, a Chinese takeaway and six kebabs. For some reason I didn't feel too chipper on Saturday, so I tried to sleep it off in a conifer tree, thinking it would be nice and quiet all afternoon.
Well, the noise from all the nearby houses was unbelievable. Shrieks, groans, whistles, shouting and strange foreign imprecations. Then just when it finally went quiet at last, everyone started firing up barbecues in their back gardens and made me peckish all over again.
If it wasn't for the fact it's early July, I would have thought there was a big footie match on.

Location, location, location

Well, the search for a new perch continues. You would think that meanie of a Mole would let me kip in his burrow for a day or two while I look for a new home, but No. Just because I was stuck there for days last time I went down his tunnel.

I tried kipping on top of the garden shed but it's covered in ants and woodlice and after a while things down below got downright tickly, if you know what I mean. Although they were nice and crunchy to eat.

It's starting to rain now... And the chippy has shut down coz the owner's on holiday in Germany watching some football thing or other.

It's going to be a long night...

Sabotage!

Reports that the Mole put a spanner in the works of Fat Tony's invisibility machine are completely unfounded, according to this month's Helloooo! magazine. "It were a screwdriver, silly. Oi couldn't foind a spanner. That there machine had to go - that rotten pigeon kept squishing moi worm collection- and Oi couldn't bash 'im over the head while he wuz invisible. Hurr hurr! It wuz real funny when 'ee turned into a budgie, moind. Oi laughed my socks off." Fat Tony was unavailable for comment yesterday, but a spokespigeon assured our reporter that it won't be long before he comes up with a new plan for taking over the world. Especially once he's overcome his new fondness for millet.

The End of an Era

Phew! The effects of the invisibility field wore off and I'm back to my usual handsome self (and size.) I've taken the cloaking device down to the council tip - things were getting way too scary. I put some fresh batteries in and tried it out on my climbing frame perch, and it didn't just become invisible - it vanished altogether! Thank goodness I didn't try it on myself again - I could have ended up down a black hole or summat. I don't know why my invention went so horribly wrong. Did I make a mistake with the wiring? Or could it be Sabotage?
I'm going to have to find a new perch (sob.)
... And another thing. The Mole has been insufferably smug after appearing on Bill Oddie's Springwatch last night. Getting too big for his boots, if you ask me.

An unexpected side-effect

Bleurgh... I still feel very green. Not a well pigeon at all. I did a last heist on a bird seed factory last night, but only came away with peanuts. I turned off the invisibility field this morning, hoping it would make me feel better, (you can see the framework of the machine under my feet,) but the effects are taking a long time to wear off.
My hench-pigeons aren't much help. They keep giggling behind my back. I wonder why?

Teething Problems

Well, at first being invisible was Brilliant! I took all the James Blunt CDs off the shelves in Woolies and carried them to the rubbish skip outside. The staff decided the CDs were possessed and refused to put any more out, so that was my good deed for the day. Then I went and emptied my local supermarket of pizzas and Chorley cakes. The security guards were really spooked when they saw a supermarket trolley trundling on its own and they all ran away!
The bank was next on the list - time to get some lovely lolly. But just as I was busy emptying the safe the AA batteries for my cloaking device died and there I was, smack in the middle of the bank- on all the security cameras - in full view! I quickly put some more batteries in and made a speedy getaway, but it gave me an awful fright. I pecked the cameras on my way out, so hopefully you won't see me on Crimewatch this week.
Trouble is, I keep running out of batteries. And I don't feel very well - a bit green, in fact. I hope the invisibility field doesn't have any side-effects...