Supermassive black hole?

Some pundits think it is unwise for pigeons and moles to tamper with nature, and I'm beginning to think they're right. Since my ill-fated experiment with the cloaking device (or invisibility machine for non sci-fi nuts) the garden hasn't been its usual self. Strange temporal effects have occurred, like me thinking it was Thursday all day yesterday. And the garden shed and my new perch, the bird table, are looking decidedly rickety. (Before you all comment and say it doesn't look sturdy enough to take the weight of the biggest pigeon in the world, I'd just like to point out that the bird table is in fact 40ft high x 10ftx 20 ft. So there.)
Anyway, after watching Dr Who this week with all the cool Dalek and Cybermen battles, this weird shiny light appeared. It must be the gateway to another dimension!
So I'm off to explore this brave new world. I'm hoping it will end up somewhere brilliant like Fort Knox, the Bank of England or maybe even the Tower of London with all those sparkly crown jewels! At the very least it'll help me with my cunning plan to take over the world! Be seeing ya!

Did I miss something?

What a weekend. After a miserable several days trying to find a new perch, I cheered myself up on Friday night with 3 pizzas, a Chinese takeaway and six kebabs. For some reason I didn't feel too chipper on Saturday, so I tried to sleep it off in a conifer tree, thinking it would be nice and quiet all afternoon.
Well, the noise from all the nearby houses was unbelievable. Shrieks, groans, whistles, shouting and strange foreign imprecations. Then just when it finally went quiet at last, everyone started firing up barbecues in their back gardens and made me peckish all over again.
If it wasn't for the fact it's early July, I would have thought there was a big footie match on.

Location, location, location

Well, the search for a new perch continues. You would think that meanie of a Mole would let me kip in his burrow for a day or two while I look for a new home, but No. Just because I was stuck there for days last time I went down his tunnel.

I tried kipping on top of the garden shed but it's covered in ants and woodlice and after a while things down below got downright tickly, if you know what I mean. Although they were nice and crunchy to eat.

It's starting to rain now... And the chippy has shut down coz the owner's on holiday in Germany watching some football thing or other.

It's going to be a long night...

Sabotage!

Reports that the Mole put a spanner in the works of Fat Tony's invisibility machine are completely unfounded, according to this month's Helloooo! magazine. "It were a screwdriver, silly. Oi couldn't foind a spanner. That there machine had to go - that rotten pigeon kept squishing moi worm collection- and Oi couldn't bash 'im over the head while he wuz invisible. Hurr hurr! It wuz real funny when 'ee turned into a budgie, moind. Oi laughed my socks off." Fat Tony was unavailable for comment yesterday, but a spokespigeon assured our reporter that it won't be long before he comes up with a new plan for taking over the world. Especially once he's overcome his new fondness for millet.

The End of an Era

Phew! The effects of the invisibility field wore off and I'm back to my usual handsome self (and size.) I've taken the cloaking device down to the council tip - things were getting way too scary. I put some fresh batteries in and tried it out on my climbing frame perch, and it didn't just become invisible - it vanished altogether! Thank goodness I didn't try it on myself again - I could have ended up down a black hole or summat. I don't know why my invention went so horribly wrong. Did I make a mistake with the wiring? Or could it be Sabotage?
I'm going to have to find a new perch (sob.)
... And another thing. The Mole has been insufferably smug after appearing on Bill Oddie's Springwatch last night. Getting too big for his boots, if you ask me.

An unexpected side-effect

Bleurgh... I still feel very green. Not a well pigeon at all. I did a last heist on a bird seed factory last night, but only came away with peanuts. I turned off the invisibility field this morning, hoping it would make me feel better, (you can see the framework of the machine under my feet,) but the effects are taking a long time to wear off.
My hench-pigeons aren't much help. They keep giggling behind my back. I wonder why?

Teething Problems

Well, at first being invisible was Brilliant! I took all the James Blunt CDs off the shelves in Woolies and carried them to the rubbish skip outside. The staff decided the CDs were possessed and refused to put any more out, so that was my good deed for the day. Then I went and emptied my local supermarket of pizzas and Chorley cakes. The security guards were really spooked when they saw a supermarket trolley trundling on its own and they all ran away!
The bank was next on the list - time to get some lovely lolly. But just as I was busy emptying the safe the AA batteries for my cloaking device died and there I was, smack in the middle of the bank- on all the security cameras - in full view! I quickly put some more batteries in and made a speedy getaway, but it gave me an awful fright. I pecked the cameras on my way out, so hopefully you won't see me on Crimewatch this week.
Trouble is, I keep running out of batteries. And I don't feel very well - a bit green, in fact. I hope the invisibility field doesn't have any side-effects...

Is it working?

5 - 4- 3- 2 - 1 - Go!
Um... I expected something a bit more spectacular than that. Is my cloaking device working? I can't see my feet, but as my tootsies have been out of view for a few years now, that's hardly a reliable indicator.
So the big question is... have I achieved Invisibility?

Ooops!

Oh dear - a slight technical hitch. As I tried to tighten a flange sprocket it boinged off and now my big end's gone. Let's hope all runs smoothly tomorrow...

The invisible pigeon!

Bloggers who visit Derek's forum http://derekthesheep.proboards51.com/ regularly will know that I was inspired by recent scientific research http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4968338.stm to begin building my own cloaking device or invisibility machine! It's nearly finished now! I just need a couple more flange sprockets and some AA batteries - then my latest plan for taking over the world can begin!

Vote penguin!

Paws has begun a poll on Derek's message board http://derekthesheep.proboards51.com/ (in the Other Nonsense section.)
Vote now to say whether YOU think PenguinGuy is Britain's Most Wanted!

The Culprit!

Well, after a hard week's sleuthing without finding any more clues to the identity of the Phantom Fishnapper, I decided to come back to the nest and have a fish finger butty to cheer me up. And look who I caught red-handed! (Or red-flippered, I should say.) A swift peck on the bottom soon marked his card!

Phew!

The baby otter's Mum turned up this morning, thank goodness! My nest is beginning to really stink of smelly fish. You would've thought she would be grateful I'd looked after him, but no - she gave me a clip round the ear for feeding him on chip butties. That's the last time I do a good deed! Now my otter-sitting days are over, I can concentrate full-time on tracking down the Phantom Fish-napper...

Zzzz....

This baby otter has got to go home. He kept me up all night wanting me to read 'Wind in the Willows.' And the smell of fish is getting on my nerves! So tired...must have a nap...zzzzzzz

A material witness

Still hot on the trail of the phantom fishnapper. I flew down to the llama colony by the M6 toll road (current population 33 1/2) to see what the word on the streets is. Lynnette Llama here reckoned it was some guy in a monkey suit who stole the otter's grub! The plot thickens...

Lost!

I was just settling down to watch 'The Apprentice' last night (I want to pick up some tips for controlling my henchpigeons.) I'd made a nice big stack of fish finger butties (with peas.) While I was looking round for the telly remote, this blighter sneaked up inside my nest and scoffed the lot! I got cross and gave him a peck, when he started blubbing, saying he'd lost his Mummy. He chased after some guy in a black-and-white suit who pinched HIS fish supper, and couldn't find his way home again. I got us a chippy tea to cheer us both up, but blimey - he's a really messy eater. I'm still picking bits of fish out from behind my ears (difficult when you're a pigeon.) How can I maintain my gangster image when I end up babysitting a constant stream of stray animals?
Now I have to turn detective. Where does Ollie Otter live? And who nicked his fish supper?

Same old

Back to the grind. Me and my bird ain't speaking again. Doris refused to share her last Rolo with me. I pointed out that she couldn't really be my lovebird if she hogged it to herself. THEN she started going on and ON about some book by Gillian McTweet called 'You are what you Gobble' and pointed out (with unnecessary relish I might add) that if the Health Fascist is correct, then I'm actually a kingsize burger, mega kebab and extra large pizza with millet to go.
I said someone munching a packet of Rolos all by herself has no right to adopt the high moral ground. So there!
She'll be putting me on a diet next...

Bird flew

It's getting a bit scary round here with all these rumours about bird flu, so I'm off for a long weekend with Doris Budgie. Don't worry though, I'll be back in time for the Easter Egg feast!

Bad Karma

Coo, it was bloomin’ windy this week. A sudden huge gust blew me right off my nest! Luckily Tiddles Clutterbuck was lurking under my tree, so I had a nice soft landing. He’s OK, though - just used up one of his nine lives.
This got me thinking. How come flippin’ moggies get nine lives dished out to them? Of course, there must be a nice cat here and there like Paws, but the sad fact is that the vast majority of cats were obviously serial killers in a previous life.
Funny thing, reincarnation. It must have caused no end of confusion back in the Jurassic era. Just imagine, one minute you’re a T. Rex, or even a spinosaurus, lord of all you survey, then before you can say ‘mass extinction,’ POW! the comet hits. Then next thing you know you’re a shrew, and your world view is limited to bugs and worms.
I suppose there might be some kind of similarity, though, in what kind of critter you get reincarnated as. A shark might come back as an estate agent (or vice versa.) Or if you’re a wool bearing animal, and haven’t been able to get up to much mischief, you wake up in another field. This might not be jammy, though. In one life you’re a sheep, happily grazing in your field, dreaming about the hidden vistas on the other side of the hedge. Then you get reincarnated as a llama. At last you can see over the hedge! But instead of green fields and valleys, you have a lovely view of the M6 toll road.
So, reincarnation ain’t all it’s cracked up to be (unless you come back as a millionaire, of course.)
And what, you may ask, was a certain giant pigeon in his previous life?
Just don’t call me Scarface…

Just Ducky

This is Debbie Duck and chums limbering up for the Chorley Cake-eating marathon. They came round to see if they could peck up some tips and get into training - the record is 10 Chorley cakes in 2.69 seconds. Luckily they brought their own supplies - things might have got ugly if they'd wanted to break into my stash. Moral support is one thing, but me and my Chorley cakes have a special relationship.