You are what you Tweet

Reasons for going on a diet:
1. I'll be able to fly again.
2. Doris Budgie might agree to share her last Rolo with me if I lose a couple of pounds.
3. I'll be able to make a quick getaway from Tiddles the cat.
4. I can run down to the chippy instead of taking a taxi so I will save pounds too!
5. I will be even more handsome than I am now!

Reasons for NOT going on a diet:
1. No chips, chocolate, crisps or pizza!
2. If I go on a diet I could end up on the telly with Gillian McTweet and she will start ferreting about in my pigeon droppings - yuk!
3. No fig rolls, custard creams or chocolate Hobnobs!
4. Instead of running away from Tiddles I can just squash him like a furry bug.
5. I might not be the biggest pigeon in the world any more!

Hmm... it's going to be a finely balanced decision...

Crash landing!

Chocks away! Flap, flap, flap, flap, FLAP!
Cough, splutter…aaaaargh! CRASH! SPLINTER!
Help! I can't achieve escape velocity!
Maybe, just maybe - perhaps I should go on a - DIET!

Bleurrrrgh...

Sausage rolls... crisps... choccies... So full - but perhaps just one more wafer-thin mince pie...

A furry fairy!

As you can see, the Mole is stuck up the Christmas Tree. That greedy pest tried to steal all the chocolates off the tree before Christmas Eve, and now he can't get down. Serves him right! The question is, do I leave him there so he can be our Christmas fairy, and have a nice quiet Christmas, or should I rescue him?

Happy Christmas Everyone!

A likely story!

Well, I hopped onto the ferry with my portmanteau, getting rather worried about the whereabouts of Mole and Otter (just in case you think I'm getting soft, I didn't think it was fair for the Irish to be lumbered with them permanently.) Anyway, they turned up just as we were getting ready to sail. Apparently when they couldn't get into my super tower nest for the night, they spotted a rainbow. They followed it to the end and found a lovely burrow. Down and down they went - and there was a red-haired geezer dressed all in green, sitting on a pot of gold!
He gave them the choice of 3 wishes or a pawful of treasure each. Mole wished for worms (which the burrow was full of anyway), Otter wished for fish, (which he scoffed right away), then they blew their last wish on - a James Blunt album! What a pair of puddings!
I'll have to hurl it overboard when they're asleep - I'm not taking rubbish like that home with me.

Eee - awww!

Well, finally got to see my chum Patrick Seamus Neddy O'Donkey and his chum Bono. They have a whale of a time eating grass all day. I think I'll stick to kebabs and pizza, though.

Goodness knows what has happened to the Mole and Otter, though. I haven't seen them all day - and I have to catch the ferryboat back to my nest tomorrow...

Top of the world, Ma!

We arrived safe and sound in the Emerald Isle, although I thought kicking all the passengers out of their ferry cabins at 5.30am was well out of order! I've found a lovely nest site for my stay here - an amazing tower. A room with a view - right out of the reach of cats and other nasty predators. I reckon it's historic or summat - the home of an ancient warrior pigeon, perhaps.

Of course, Mole and Otter can't get into my new nest, but then every cloud has a silver lining...

Stowaways!

It seems like a long time since I had a holiday, so I hitched a ride on a ferry to see my mate Patrick Seamus Neddy O'Donkey over in the Emerald Isle. I was just settling down in a nice new nest in the top bunk with this week's Beano, when I heard a lot of giggling down below. That flippin' Mole and his otter friend had somehow followed me on to the ferry!
I just hope they keep quiet, because if the crew find us we'll be washing dishes and swabbing the decks for the rest of the way...

Wanted

Someone to share a packet of Revels with. I don't like the coffee creams. And the caramel ones are too chewy for my beak.

Next time I'll check first if Tiddles is carrying Maltesers or Minstrels before I go to the bother of mugging him for his sweeties...

Apocalypse Now!

Why didn't anyone tell me about the clocks going back? The chippy has been open for a whole hour earlier every day! And I like to be first in the queue.
I'm completely traumatised after last night. Mole came trundling up with a big grin on his face and a bag of chestnuts in his paws. "Us can 'ave a midnoight feast of roasted chestnuts," he said, "a squirrel gave me these." (Now I come to think of it, that's a very unlikely tale. But to continue...) So we gathered a few twigs together, set them alight, popped the chestnuts in the middle, and waited...
BANG! CRACK! BOOM! Bits of high velocity chestnut flew everywhere! One knocked the owl next door out of his tree! It was every pigeon for himself! Mole, of course, just burrowed down into the ground and disappeared, leaving me cowering behind the holly bush till the explosions petered out.
I won't put my nuts in the fire again in a hurry, you can be sure of that. Just wait till I get hold of that pesky Mole...

Bored, bored, bored. And hungry.

The chippy's run out of spuds, the pizza parlour won't let me in after the last unfortunate incident, and even the Indian restaurant is refusing to serve me. (Just coz I broke the doorway last time I bought some bhajis.) I reckon there's a spot of discrimination against giant pigeons going on. Now what do I do?

A Message for Jammie Oliver

Well, we're back safe and sound. With two mighty leaps, Mole and I were back in the 'hood!
And what has happened while I've been away? The food fascists have been on the rampage, threatening to shut down all the chippys and kebab shops!
I reckon Jammie Oliver and Gillian McTweet haven't thought things through, though. None of this healthy eating lark really applies to pigeons because:
1. We're designed to be walking dustbins anyway.
2. Pigeon survival is at stake. It stands to reason; a small pigeon will make an easy mouthful for a moggy. But an economy-sized pigeon (modest cough) will be too difficult for any passing Tiddles to fit in their maw. AND can squash the nasty moggy flat as a pancake if it gives any trouble.
3. If I went on a diet, I wouldn't be the biggest pigeon in the world any more and some pathetic wannabe would take my place.
So I have a message for Jammie Oliver: TALK TO THE WING, 'COZ THIS PIGEON AIN'T LISTENING!

The Way Back?

Coo! The Mole has found 2 mysterious doorways. Could one of them lead us back to the back garden and my lovely nest? I'm really getting homesick. And what if the local chippy has closed down without me to keep it going?
But - what if I get stuck - in the tunnel?
Looks like we've got three options:

A: Run away screaming and try and hitch a lift off someone.
B: The Mole and me could go down the same tunnel.
C: We could split up and pick a tunnel each. But if Mole disappears I will be all on my own!
And choosing a tunnel will cause a row anyway as the Mole is such an argumentative blighter. (No, Oi ain't!) Yes, you are. (Oi'm not!) Yes you...
We could be stuck here for quite some time ...

A slight technical hitch

Right. The picnic basket is empty, the Mole's sulking because he can't find any worms, and neither of us can remember the way home. Now what do we do?

Another Alien?

Mole has found a new friend - either a Puffin called Papay or a Papay called Puffin, I'm not sure which. The new critter nicked all the anchovies off my emergency pizza I'd tucked into the bottom of the picnic basket. We'll have to think about going home soon if we don't find some fresh provisions, though. Exploring the galaxy is one thing, but running out of chocolate hobnobs is one step too far for this pigeon!

A Heated Debate

The Mole and I had a big row this morning. He doesn't believe we are on an alien planet at all. The nerve! He had to admit this sandy stuff is nothing like the soil in our garden, though. And at least it's keeping him quiet for a bit...

Pigeon Heaven!

Hurray! There really are peanuts in this strange alien land! At least I won't starve once the picnic basket runs out. What a stroke of luck, especially since it's dinner-time. Again.

Tales from the Void II - Another alien!

Now this proves I'm in foreign parts because this strange critter shouted at me in Alien!
It sounded something like Gerrawayframmahpeanuts! Yesmellysassenachpijin!
Hang on a minute - are those peanuts he's scoffing?

Stowaway!

I might've known it! I can't even go on an amazing adventure without that pesky mole tagging along! AND he's eaten all the pies! My custard creams had just better be untouched by grubby mole paws, or else...

My Holiday Diary - Tales from the Void - Aliens!

As I jumped into the scary light, it was really cool with lots of whirling stars and whooshy Tardis noises. Now I'm in a strange new world with lots of weird aliens! I wonder which star system I'm in. Maybe I'm on a planet circling the brightest star of the Great Pigeon constellation! Luckily there's a breathable Earth-type atmosphere, because I didn't have room to fit my spacesuit in the picnic basket - too many Scotch eggs.
Speaking of picnic baskets, there's a funny muffled noise coming from inside it...